Thursday, December 18

i just kind of wish..

Assalamualaikum
p/s ; ignore the grammar error. i just think its better when im writing this in eng.

farah... (name i used to called when we become friend)

i dont know what ive to say to you actually... im crying hard when im writing this down. this is my second times i write an entry for you in tears. 

everything that happens..to us... its too fast.

first of all, i want to apologize.

im sorry, whatever happens between us, right now, or since when i dont know, i know you will put the blame on me. and ill accept all of it.

im sorry for not being honest. 
im sorry for not being a good friend to you.
im sorry for all bad things i did to you and your life. 
im sorry for all the words and comments i gave to you.
im sorry for all worst advices i gave you. 
im sorry for everything i did from the day you gave that title of bestfriend to me. 
im sorry for being a busybody person in your life. 
im sorry for not being there when you need me (if you need me). 
im sorry for being your worst bestfriend.
im sorry for everything. *sigh*

yes, i used to be your stalker. not that im stalking you bcause i jealous. but because i want to know what happens to your life. i want to know what was my bestfriend did everyday. was she okay. was she fine? did anyone bully her? did anyone make her cry? 

but after all those things you tell me, i quit. i quit being your stalker. not that i dont want to know anything bout you. but because i know you dont want me to know. and while im looking for whos making you cry and hurts, im not realize im the one who did it to you.

if only you dont care what your EX think about you, you wont mad at me.
im not saying that i dont do any wrong. i did wrong. 
for telling your EX about those things you did when youre with him. which you dont have to give a damn because youre no longer with him. not all bad things actually i told him, but as i dont know what was he told you, i know you trust him more than you trust me : ) not your fault : )

but because you care about his thoughts which i dont know why you care since you have someone else, you get mad with me. and you tell me for not telling him anything about you which in other meaning you think that im his spy and gave him all information about your life. 

my intention when i gave a comment on your photo/video is just for fun and im happy for you. but what i got after that, that was something....unexpected.

few days ago, i accidentally read your tweet. and it breaks my heart read your tweet...

"nak bestfriend satu boleh?"

serves you right, ekin. *smirk

for whatever reasons, i know you wont share anything with me anymore. 
for whatever reasons, i accept with my open heart that you have to have new bfriend.

for almost 6 years, everytime we got into fight, i lower my ego, begging for forgiveness, even some of our fight were not my fault at all. because i cant get away from you. i cant leave you. because i think you only have me by your side other than your family. and im always get worried with you. 

and sorry if you think im controlling your life. i know its your right to post any photo to your insta/social network, im sorry if you get annoyed with me when im asking you to remove those photos. im sorry for being such an 'ustazah' in your life. forgive me. i know im not perfect so im sorry, again.

now, i see youre happy there. with your friends. with your hubby. with your family. theres nothing for me to worry now. when you sick, you have someone to be by your side. when you in sadness, youll have someone for you to share. im not going to worry anymore. you have those best persons around you. : ' )

whatever you did, please, take care of yourself.  but if you need me, ill be there for you. always. ill protect you. with my du'a. as long as im alive. ill give you my du'a. may Allah protect you.

i, will not interfere/be third-wheel in your life anymore. im not going to ruin your happiness again. i did enough. 

i pray, that man you love now, will be the last one. and i hope he can be the best imam to you. i hope he can gave you best advice. i hope he can respect you and your mom as women. i hope he can tell you whats good and whats not. i hope he can be someone you can depends on. and i hope he can take you to Jannah.

i just kind of wish none of it ever happened. this unknow fight. this silence war.. 

im sorry farah. take care. i love you. 


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